You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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