My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
