So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
