meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
