I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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