matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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