That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
