the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
