I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
