4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
