Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
