Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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