It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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