I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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