my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
