got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
