I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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