I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
