I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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