I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
