She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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