WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
4 words: hood of his car
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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