you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
