remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
