how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
