Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
