It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
