the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
