When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize