just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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