The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It's official drugs can't kill me
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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