He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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