I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
