He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
