the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
