After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
