All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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