i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
