broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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