remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
