I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
