Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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