does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
