can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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