i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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