he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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