Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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