Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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