1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
