I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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