I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
