not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
