insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
