He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I think i got beer on your cat.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
