hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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