I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
