I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
