I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize