i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
