Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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