I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
