I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
