mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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