Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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