I'm gonna have a badass scar
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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