we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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